Hey, coffee snobs. It’s only coffee. Get over it

starbucks coffee

If it’s dark, strong and comes in a cup, I’ll drink it.

I drink coffee.

I drink it to wake up in the morning.

I drink it because I like the taste.

I drink it because it has become part of my routine: Get to office … turn on computer … wait 43 minutes and 30 seconds for the thing to blink into life … decide now is a good time to go to Starbucks.

There. I said it. Starbucks.

I drink Starbucks coffee, and despite the fact that millions of other people do each day too – Starbucks sells around 8 million cups of coffee around the world every day – I’m made to feel like some sort of culinary heathen, a caffeine ignoramus who must have been born without taste buds because my choice of coffee is mainstream, and those who KNOW about coffee, usually a claim based on some tenuous link to Italy through a great-great-step-auntie, say things like “Starbucks?? Starsucks. You should try …” and then go on to describe some tiny little vendor in some back alley in some uncharted part of town who strains his coffee through old shoes.

Well guess what.

You can keep your rectum-processed, civet coffee. Yes, there really is a coffee from Indonesia that uses beans after they’ve been eaten, and crapped out, by civets. And it costs a fortune.

I’m sure it tastes great and I’m sure drinking it makes you feel special.

But I will stick to Starbucks thank you, because even if it isn’t the best coffee in the world, even if it is made to a formula and somehow by buying a cup I’m supporting “Evil Corporates” and “The Commercialization of Life,” it gives me what I need, when I need it, in the same way each day, and yes, I think that’s a good thing.

So next time you see me holding a nice, warming cup of Starbucks coffee, before you say something idiotic like “That’s not coffee, THIS is coffee” and shove my nose into a mug of the stuff you brought back from Inner Mongolia that you’ve been saving for special days, consider this:

I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT.

It tastes like coffee to me and that’s why I keep buying it.

If you prefer the stuff from Mongolia, why don’t you move there?

Just a suggestion.

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Comments

  1. raventao says:

    Hello Tantrum. Your blog is brilliant and you’re going to be famous. I’d love to invite you to be my first guest blogger! (I was considering asking an architect or interior designer but you’re WAY more entertaining.) Please say yes. It would be fabulous to collaborate. 🙂

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