OMG the gays are coming!!

They’re happy, and they’re coming to get you.

Holy shiiiiit! Lock your doors, bolt the windows, keep your kids in the cellar and men – plug your butts up with straw and cork.

The gays are coming! The gays are fuckin’ coming and they’re horny!

They’re like a marauding horde of skinny-jean-clad butt fuckers coming over the hill; they’ve got their lube in one hand and their dicks in the other and they’re fuckin’ coming, ohhmygooooddddd they’re coming to get me I don’t wanna be gayed pleeeeze don’t fuck my butt oh my god oh my god oh my god…

Ahem.

That, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, dogs and cats and birds and bears, is pretty much what America sounds like to me right now.

If you pick up a conch, put it to your ear and point it Stateside, the murmuring din you hear within is several million tiny voices wailing “Too much gay! Too much friggin’ gay!” Sob sob sob.

The land of the free, a “united” nation, a country supposedly founded on truth, justice and equality, is freaking out about people who just want to be allowed to marry, allowed to love, allowed to have sex and live life.

Well, lets take a look at this ludicrous obnoxication. Let’s give it the benefit of the doubt: Perhaps gays getting married will destroy society. Let’s quickly talk it through:

Gays get married, and … umm … more people are happy? Or something? That’s bad, right?

Hmm. I know there is a reason they will destroy society. Just give me a minute. It’s right here, tip of my tongue …

OK OK, so they won’t destroy society, but that doesn’t matter because anyway, we definitely should obey the Bible.

And it definitely says marriage should be natural and procreational and all natural ‘n’ all. Promise.

Forget that gay penguins and gay horses and other gay animals are now known not just to exist, but to be fairly common. We’re talking the other natural, the natural that naturally doesn’t include gays.

And yeah OK the Bible also says we shouldn’t cut our hair, or wear clothes of more than one fabric, or curse your mother or father (that one gets a stoning to death, so watch your mouth) … but we don’t have to do those parts.

We just obey the parts that we want to obey. The parts that allow one group of people to butt-fuck another group, as punishment for their butt-fucking ways.

*Gasp*

Did I just say that? Could it be that … America is mostly gay?

It sounds dumb, but I have to believe it, because it is the only thing that makes the whole “We hate gays” agenda possible.

America is mostly gay. All the gay-haters are themselves gay, they’re in denial and this opprobrium is a last-ditch, desperate attempt to stop themselves being carried off on a tsunami of gayness, giggling and frolicking and flicking each other with moist towels.

Because that’s what it’s like to be gay, right? You see in rainbow-vision, you think of sex 45 times a minute and you’re so damn fuckin’ happy.

No thank you sirree. We don’t want.

Gimme my gun and my beer and my freedom to hate others all day long. That’s all the happy I need.

*sigh*

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